


Random Things That I Write Sometimes

by nothing_but_a_pastel_fanboy, TVKei (nothing_but_a_pastel_fanboy)



Category: Assorted poetry, Original Work
Genre: Author is a useless bisexual, Break Up, Colors, Crushes, Family Feels, Good times, Healing, High School, Past Suicide Attempts, Poetry, Recreational Drug Use, Romance, Sad, School, Secret Crush, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Crush, old works, space, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-19 05:26:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19350409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothing_but_a_pastel_fanboy/pseuds/nothing_but_a_pastel_fanboy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothing_but_a_pastel_fanboy/pseuds/TVKei
Summary: I'm just putting my poems out here because its better to get things out. Some will be sad and others might not make much sense. But I'm putting them here anyways. I would also like to apologize in advance if the formatting is odd, I can only post from my phone.





	1. Chapter 1

Guilt crushes my soul. Even thought it wasn't me, It was you. You did it. You said that you were incompatible with romantic emotions. You ended it. What do you have to be depressed about. Do you regret it? Are you mad that I don't show how destroyed I am on the inside? Do you want me to sob and beg and plead for you back? I am dying inside, Don't you worry. You drained my heart of love like a vampire drains one of blood. Your voice resounds in my head, it plauges me with sweet nothings. It tells me that you loved me. It lies. Just like you did. Are you appeased now? Now that you know just how damaged you have made me. You have reconstructed my entire bieng. You have taken me apart and put me back together missing pieces. I hope you're happy now. I am destroyed, You should be proud.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS CONTAINS POSSIBLY TRIGGERING CONTENT DEALING WITH SUICIDE AND SELF HARM. BE CAREFUL READING FURTHER FRIENDS.   
> I swear I wrote this to the tune of an Owl City song though, so if it makes it any better imagine the tune to honey and the bee. I just had a really bad day today.

I'm finding it hard to find a reason to live. I'm finding it hard to find a reason to not quit. I am finding it damn near impossible. I don't think I deserve to live but I kind of don't want to go. I want to die but I don't want to feel any pain. I don't want to grow old and useless and just rot away. Screaming at the younger generations as if I saw better days. I want to fucking die. But I've never succeeded on my previous tries. They say its a miracle that I'm alive. But I feel immortal and this is a curse. I can't wait for the day when my family does not have to rent out a hearse. Because I'm really keen on dropping off the face of the Earth. And I hope they never find my body when I finally go. And I hope that I hope that I dont feel a bullet hole. I want to fucking die because I hate this life and I'm afraid of growing old and I feel like I'm all alone. All my friends have ditched me and my family refuses to hear me. I tell my dad that im not alright in the head and he says "okay, we'll go get it checked". But its been ten years and I've never had the chance to get medicine. But I guess that's a-okay because I can self medicate. I'll smoke a lot of pot and make some new cuts and drop melted candle wax onto my wrists. They gotten me this far and I don't really scar so I guess im okay. At least that's what my voices say.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I told you yesterday was just a bad day.

The feeling of family is hard for me to come by. It's always been this way. We've never really been together. But recently, the whole in my heart shaped like my family is a little less empty. I know that I have left some in the past, the title of mom still tastes sour. My oldest siblings dont talk to us at all. But I have a new brother and sister. My half brother and I are making do with just eachother to call blood. I am learning how to care on my own. How to properly feel. This hole in my heart is still unfilled. But the cracks and holes heal more and more everyday. I do not know if this means my heart is shrinking or becoming more centered yet. But it will be whole and that's all I ever wanted.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually wrote this one back in my freshman year of high school in literature club where the prompt was to describe a family member's eyes. This poem is actually about my younger cousin who has heterochromia in both of her eyes. So enjoy one of the first poems I ever wrote!

I once met a girl with universe eyes. They were pink and purple, blue and white, green and black. Who knew that you could find constellations in the eyes of a child. We found the big dipper, orion's belt, and even the archer Sagittarius. We even saw a meteor. I really liked when she spoke about her moons and we made wishes upon her shooting stars. I hope to see her soon.


	5. Hey new roomate!

I want to talk to you and listen to what you have to say. I want to hear your voice and pick up on every intricate color. I want to gain some sort of courage to talk to you again. I don't think I have ever spoken that comfortably with someone for so long before without it starting to feel like a chore. We talked for hours on end for no other reason than that we had someone to talk to. You told me about your family and I told you about mine. You asked about me talking to no one and I told you about the parallel life in my head. You offered to help me right it down. We talked about school, and how much I dread going back, how bad you want to. Talking to you felt like bieng a real person, I want to feel that again. Also you're really cute and I don't know how to handle that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We got a new roomate and he's so cute I actually want to kill myself, but by something like suffocation by Pokemon and Carebear plushies, because he thinks that its cute that I collect them. Does that make any sense lmao?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by my guidence councillor reminding me of the irony that I used to have the highest math aptitude in my state and that the one thing that held me back from graduating is math.

We're just some fucked up kids. Told that we were geniuses. Oh so common. You watched us grow. And shrivel up and die inside. We are the masses. Dead and bruised and battered.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A poem that I wrote about cute roommate, he didn't stay with us long but the two of us got kind of close, but not really.

I feel the radiation from you. Something akin to uranium. You feel like energy. You are my obninsk. So unique and new. You are my 1954. And I will be your soviet regime. We will give power to our people. We will awe the world. They can't be us yet. We power Pluto on Earth with Uranus's namesake. We are the one true feat. They are the fires of our forests. But we are an explosion of world shattering proportions. They need to keep us intact to keep the world the same. You and I, we are energy.  
Kinetic and powerful. They are wasted potential, static and lazy.   
We are peaceful and passive, they are raging and greedy. Yet they tiptoe around us in fear that if we get any closer, we will implode.


	8. Chapter 8

Space is the place where I feel at ease. Space is where I am free. When my world goes dark, I look to the stars. There I find light.  
I may not be allowed outside tonight. But once I can, I'll document the sky. I'll write down our galaxy. Glimmer by glimmer, they will get redder and redder.  
I will lay on the roof and anticipate Andromeda. I will look through my lens and mourn MACS0647-JD. Who is approaching and who is fleeing. We will know in 5 billion years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So things have gotten better. I graduated high school, but lost all of my friends. The squatters in my basement left, but my favorite cousin/best friend disowned me. BUT cute roomate nearly through himself out of a car to say hi to me and I got my dad into zenography (the study of Jupiter).


End file.
